Forgiveness is often not easy to do with self or others.  There are often deep wounds of betrayal and hurt that keep one stuck and in a victim role.  If one was raised with critical judgmental parents, for example, with strictness and lots of rules, forgiveness of self and others may seem like a foreign concept and an impossible goal.  Forgiveness is act of opening one’s heart, offering compassion; an intentional process of letting go of past offenses and negative emotions. There lies the possibility of setting oneself free.

The myriad effects of trauma can effect one’s life in many ways.  The most common aspect named as helplessness.  This is a feeling we will do almost anything to get away from; whether it is avoiding others. blaming others, medicating ourselves with busyness or substance, immobolization, chronic indecision or other unhealthy behaviors.  Some people
will fight fight fight to get away from the bad feelings; some will acquiesce, submit and adapt.
Both of these patterns are ‘reactions’ to trauma rather than responses which come from the adult self.  Trauma is not your fault…and can be healed over time, perhaps, many years of consistent psychotherapy.

Imagine the beauty, quiet and stillness after a snow storm.  Everything stops; mother nature says ‘listen.’  And what are we listening for?  We are listening for the inner quiet beyond all thoughts, below the busyness of our minds and the constant chatter within.  Stillness, both revered and feared is something to work towards because it is only we are still that we can hear our inner wisdom, truth and authentic being.

As the new year begins, many clients are eager to make changes to relieve their suffering and bring more joy in their lives.  There is an eagerness and sometimes an impatience for things to go faster. One client sadly shamed herself for not being able to do this work on her own and felt weak.  The key to change is first, ACCEPTANCE. Acceptance of what is, how one feels and thinks, accompanied with compassion. Ironically, the more one can slow down and be with the present, the more likely authentic change is on the horizon.

In addition to shame and self-blaming messages, I often hear clients say they need to ‘let go.”  Most frequently, it is in relation to a person…someone who has hurt them; in hopes of severing, surrendering, relinquishing involvement. While it may sound simple enough, letting go is very hard.  It entails exploring one’s attachment to the person, perhaps clinging to memories or clinging to hopes (the past and the future). And if one is not able to ‘let go’  (an action) of thoughts and feelings, one can feel exacerbated bad feelings.  I suggest that is okay to just the let the feelings be…let be!

Living in such a rushed life with pressures to do and feel instantly, taking time to sit with stillness can calm the anxious mind and heart.  Just stopping to be, to allow one’s inner rhythm to breathe again is essential for mental health and well-being.  Pausing and allowing yourself to appreciate the moment with stillness provides the self to speak your truth.

I recently read an article that combined the words ‘mindfulness’ and ‘kindness,’  It suggested the obvious, that to be kind to others required mindfulness of intention and words.  Before long, mindfulness will make into the dictionary and become an ordinary everyday word.  For now, though, the freshness of the word brings a smile and a knowing nod
as to the usefulness and benefit of its meaning. KINDFULNESS!

In my work with clients I continually notice how difficult it is for many who have had traumatic childhoods to expect kindness in their lives.  Having been treated poorly, without respect, in the past, it’s not surprising that many choose
again unloving partners. The “feeling bad” is a normative experience.  To make change to one’s internal template
and and make room for kindness can take a long time. Fostering self-belief along with relinquishing old patterns can free one to welcome the love they naturally deserve.

Entering psychotherapy, exploring oneself and one’s relationship to self and others is a challenging process. In the early stages of “treatment” clients express the depths of internalized superego negative messages which translates into beating oneself up coupled with self blame, shame and lack of forgiveness. These are uncomfortable thoughts and feelings to sit with, get to know and accept without judgment. Over time through continued therapy, these negative messages soften and are replaced with acceptance.

Years ago I read a small precious book by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese monk, called Present Moment, Wonderful Moment.   It is a series of daily reminders about living more fully in each moment.
One in particular stays with me asI practice it each morning.  It has to do with holding our awareness as we get out of bed and place our feel on the floor:the day begins with 24 hours of life;
gratefulness and appreciation for this small yet significant awareness.